


Drowning in tears

by ha_na_mi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Accidents, Drowning, Hospitals, I cried while writing this, M/M, sorry - Freeform, sorry for the lame title
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-10-19 08:03:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10635684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ha_na_mi/pseuds/ha_na_mi
Summary: Tsukishima hates this.When days that start out so calm and wonderful turn into absolute horror.He starts with watching his best friend wearing the cutest outfit and looking good as hell in swimwear and ends with watching his best friend drowning and in need of reanimation.He starts with quietly enjoying the time spent together and ends with ugly crying and feeling alone while his best friend is at the hospital.What could possibly go right anymore?





	1. Chapter 1

I hate this. I hate this all so much.   
My fingers are shaking, people want to grab my hands but I don’t want to be touched. I want to run and stand at the same time. Hide and shout at the world for being such an asshole.   
While I try to avoid getting pulled into a hug, my back bumps against a tree right behind me and the air I was holding inside my lungs leaves them with a quiet moan.   
I hate it when this happens. Not air leaving my lungs. I mean days that start out so perfect and then end in a complete disaster. This is why I can’t trust life. 

A few hours ago we picked up Yamaguchi at his house. My mom drove us to our meeting point, where the whole team would gather for a trip. We - well, especially Nishinoya and Tanaka - wanted to go swimming at the lake and Daichi decided it would be an official Karasuno-Team-Gathering to start the summer holidays together. Even Takeda and Ukai tagged along.   
At first I wasn’t too hooked on the idea, but when I saw Yamaguchi in short white cargos, matched with a dark blue shirt patterned with white dots and a ridiculously big strawhat, smiling all over and being all excited, I decided to force myself to have a bit of fun, too. He looked so damn cute. And the strawhat, oh my gosh. But he doesn’t care. He is so content with himself. Yamaguchi really is the person I want to spend most of my time with. 

We hopped off the car and after everyone has arrived, we walked to the lake, chatting, laughing and being really noisy. Except me of course. I just stared at Yamaguchi and wondered if I should go swimming too or if it was a good idea to just chill under the trees, listening to music the whole day long.   
Yamaguchi seemed uneasy, but I guess he was just a bit nervous about his clothing choice, maybe, because Nishinoya already made a few snarky comments about the hat. Or because he didn’t want to take off his clothes. I don’t know. I would want him to. 

“Are you going into the water, Tsukki?”, he asks me sheepishly. I’m sitting on the blanket Yamaguchi brought with him, contemplating about what to do. It’s really hot today and I guess the water would cool me down but my brain insisted on watching everyone for a while before I do anything. Asahi, Daichi and Kageyama sat a few metres next to us and played some kind of card game. Ukai had searched for a place to lie down a bit away from us, directly in the sun to “work on his tan”. Takeda sat in front of a tree and read a book. Everything seemed so calm and quiet, even with everyone else playing around in the water.   
I stared at Yamaguchis feet for a little while until I realized that he had asked me a question. He already had some grass between his toes. I also noticed a few freckles on top of his feet. Cute.   
“Uh, I guess not yet.”, I stuttered, unable to look him in the eyes. What the hell… 

He wore salmon-colored swim-shorts and fumbled nervously around with his fingers.   
“O…kay. Well, I’m going.”  
Does he want me to join him so badly? Carefully he passes Asahi, tips his toes into the water and then slowly goes in until he is hip-deep in. His darker skin, covered in freckles that appear to be even more prominent in the summer really stands out. At least to me it does. Hinata and Nishinoya are playing around, splashing water at each other and Yamaguchi flinches when some of it hits his breast.   
“Oi, look who’s coming!”, Nishinoya shouts cheerfully while Yamaguchi still looks kinda nervous.   
I lean forward a bit to try to understand what’s going on. Something is off.   
They continue with their games and Yamaguchi half-heartedly joins them. 

To not appear too obvious I had to force myself to look somewhere else for a few minutes. Distant-minded I stared at the tree crowns right above me, noticing how the leaves break the light shining directly at the ground. I wish I wasn’t so… introverted. I wish I wouldn’t feel the need to act so cold and cool about everything.   
There are so many things inside me that I want to let free, especially when being with Yamaguchi. I’m overflowing with emotions and I want to be touched and held and kissed, but I can’t even state that I want him to sit down next to me so we can both listen to music. I can’t even tell him how good his shirt is looking. How good HE is looking.   
I feel so weak and confused. 

Slowly I let my gaze drift over to Kageyama, who is intensively concentrating on his deck of cards and Asahi is grinning because the first year is taking this so seriously. Daichi is looking in the other direction, somehow worried, maybe he is searching for Sugawara. Suddenly his face turns into a terrified expression I had never really seen on him. Instantly, my body gets tense. Something is happening.   
“FUCK!”, he screams, standing up and running in the direction of the water so hastily, the cards on the blanket fly into the air. But nobody cares. Asahi quickly follows him and Kageyama stood up, but couldn’t quite get himself to move.   
I’m already running before my brain even gets what’s going on.   
“DON’T MOVE HINATA! WAIT UNTIL WE’RE THERE!”, Daichi shouts and I can see Hinata and Nishinoya much further into the water than a few minutes ago. Nishinoya holds Hinata under his arms as if he was trying to pull him out of something. And Hinata is making these frightened and panicked noises for which I would normally laugh at him, but which are now burned deep into my memory. 

Ukai had seemed to react much faster as he was already in the water, swimming in the direction of the two. And that’s when it hit me: Yamaguchi can’t swim.   
Yamaguchi is nowhere to be seen.   
My mind went blank as I just stopped every movement and just stood there, the water barely covering my feet and staring at this scene of disaster.   
Ukai didn’t even swim in Hinatas direction. A few metres next to him he starts diving deep into the water. Daichi is now close to Hinata and starts pulling on his leg. He must have gotten tangled into something, but Daichi can rescue him and pull him back to the land. Asahi takes care of Nishinoya who is kinda out of his mind and just grabs onto him. 

Yamaguchi is still nowhere to be seen.   
Ukais head appears for a quick moment, gasping for air, then diving again deep into the water where Yamaguchi probably is. When I realized that, I snapped.   
“YAMAGUCHI!”, I screamed, but I couldn’t even make two steps forward, because Sugawara pulled me back.   
“Let Ukai handle this. He knows what to do. Don’t panic.”, he tells me, while still not letting go of me, while I still try to run into the water.   
Guilt washed over me. Guilt and hate and self-hate and panic. I felt sick to the core. I wanted to puke. Scream.   
It took me a while to recognize Yamaguchis head popping out of the water, followed by Ukais head and back. 

Yamaguchis lips were blue, his face lost all colour, he was expressionless and quiet. He didn’t breathe.   
I couldn’t understand this. This was not what was supposed to happen when a volleyball-team goes on a trip. This is what you usually read in the newspaper, but always feel unaffected. This was not something that would happen to Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi would bump his head on his desk while he was picking up his eraser. He would get a cut from some rose bushes when he searches for the lost Volleyball. But he would never drown. He would never lose conciousness. He would never stop breathing.   
I never saw an unconcious person. This didn’t even look like Yamaguchi at all.   
My knees were bleeding because I let myself fall a bit too harsh on the ground where Ukai laid his body down.   
Still in shock I watched him turn Yamaguchis body to the side, water instantly left his mouth. A lot of water. He started reanimation and I started replaying scenes of movies in my head over and over again where they tried to reanimate somebody over and over again and it just doesn’t work and there is no hope and - he breathed. Right after the first try. 

Even opened his eyes a bit. Everything fell off me. I sighed. The ambulance Takeda called was already here.   
And now they’re at the hospital. Yamaguchi and Ukai.   
And I am leaning against a tree, crying and wishing I would have stayed at home. With Yamaguchi. We could have watched movies and sit next to each other and I would have looked at him the whole evening without doing anything, but at least that wouldn’t get him in trouble.   
If I had followed him into the water this would not have happened. 

Two of the paramedics stayed with us, one is talking to Hinata, Nishinoya and Takeda and one tried to talk to me, because Sugawara told them I’m probably in some kind of shock. But I tried to run away. Stupid as I am.   
Pathetic. I’m crying and crying and nothing is helping. I see my teammates through the tears, visibly shocked themselves that I could get so emotional. That I was such an ugly crybaby. My shirt is full of snot and tears and I feel disgusting and panicked. I hear my own blood rushing in my ears.   
I don’t want anybody to touch me or to approach me.   
It takes me a long long time to finally calm down. My throat hurts from all the stupid screaming and sobbing. I’m so weak. I feel so weak. My arms and legs are too long for me to control them. It takes Asahi and Daichi to help me get on my feet so I can walk to my mothers car. 

I’m crying the whole evening. Until I’m so tired from crying that I finally fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

I can’t believe it took me so long to realize what has happened the day before. I woke up, wondering where my headache is from, heading straight into the kitchen to make myself some breakfast.   
While I was pouring cereals in my bowl, I started thinking about what day it even was, what I did yesterday and why I felt so weird. I saw Yamaguchi and his cute strawhat. I remembered the trees and the quiet wind brushing through them. The cold water in front of us.   
The water in which Yamaguchi had almost drowned in. 

It struck me. I stopped everything I was doing. Started to feel the panic creeping up inside of me.   
My hands start to shake as I was rushing right back into my room to grab my phone. As expected, it was full of messages in our team chat:  
Sugawara: Guys, is everyone ok? I haven’t heard from all of you, everyone disappeared so fast yesterday!  
Nishinoya: Hinata is ok I guess. He absolutely fought with the paramedics because he didn’t want to go to the hospital :D  
Hinata: I hate hospitals  
Tanaka: You were fucking drowning I’m glad I forced you to go  
Hinata: Well, I’m already at home again. Mom was kinda pissed. What about Yamaguchi?  
Sugawara: …  
Asahi: eeeh  
Daichi: You realize that he didn’t get any oxygen for at least five minutes, right? Ofc he is still at the hospital, we can be glad he’s still alive!  
Kageyama: Isn’t having like… no air to breathe like… really bad for like… your brain?  
Sugawara: This conversation is such a trainwreck. What the hell. Only thing we can do is pray that Yama doesn’t get any brain damage. And it’s unlikely that he doesn’t  
Nishinoya: Don’t be such a downer, he can do it!  
Daichi: No need to pick a fight guys  
Sugawara: Well, I just think it was a really bad idea to go that deep into the water when Yama couldn’t even swim  
Hinata: Are you telling me we are at fault?  
Nishinoya: We didn’t even know! Don’t put the blame on us, bad shit happens!  
Asahi: Guys…  
Sugawara: BAD SHIT HAPPENS? Are you fucking serious right now? Yamaguchi could be dead, maybe he IS already dead or he has gotten some kind of disabilty out of this and you just title that as BAD SHIT? What the fuck is wrong with you?  
Daichi: I guess this isn’t the time to fight. We should concentrate on supporting Yamaguchi and his family. We can discuss all of this if our minds have calmed down.   
Nishinoya: Fuck you guys, I’m leaving.   
(Nishinoya left the conversation)  
Hinata: Can we visit him?  
Daichi: I think it’s still too early for this. Also, what about Tsukishima? Are you ok? Do you know anything?  
Tanaka: He was looking so devastated yesterday, I bet he won’t talk to us the next few days

Without noticing it I had sat down on the carpet, riding this rollercoaster of emotions. While I probably had the right to be angry at all of them, I chose to concentrate on Yamaguchi.   
I closed the conversation and another one from my mother popped up.   
Mom: I’m so sorry about what happened! I’m in close contact with Yamaguchi-san, if there is any news I’ll let you know.   
Mom: Try to calm down, ok? If you need help with anything, call me! I’ll try to get out of work sooner.   
Mom: Love you.

The words ‘disabilty’ and ‘brain damage’ flicker through my head. They don’t let me rest for the next few days. I can’t concentrate on anything and it takes all my willpower to not google symptoms of lack of oxygen or even discuss this with my Mom.   
She told me Yamaguchi was in the hospital, as ok as he could be but they are still monitoring him for any damage. But she says this with some kind of fear in her eyes. She is lying to me. But I’m too tired to ask what’s going on.   
Even when she asked me to get in the car I wasn’t asking. I knew we would visit Yamaguchi. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask anything about him. 

My fingertips were cold, every noise was just so loud in my ears. My mother was rambling on endlessly, ‘What should I cook today?’, ‘What was the number of his room again?’, ‘Isn’t it just a bit too hot for summer?’ and so on and so on. She was as nervous as I am.   
When she opened the door I didn’t know what I should expect.  
I thought about Yamaguchi sitting in a wheelchair, Yamaguchi sleeping and being in coma, Yamaguchi tied to endless tubes, Yamaguchi crying or screaming.   
Instead he just sat on his bed, looking through a magazine, slowly lifting his gaze as he heard us entering the room. 

His eyes light up as he saw me and this was all I ever needed to get out of my head again.   
I rushed to his bed, carefully laying my arms around him, pressing him against me. He slowly returned the gesture, even leaning his head against mine a bit, while mumbling something I didn’t understand.   
“Hm?”, I asked, slowly letting go of the hug, inspecting his face, discovering that he looks as normal as he could. But he shifted his gaze and turned his head away from me. “What is it?”  
No answer.   
“Tadashi-kun! Oh my god, you can’t imagine how happy we all are that you are fine!”  
My mom sits down on the other side of his bed, gently placing her hand on his right cheek.   
“I bet all your teammates will gladly visit you when Kei-chan tells them you are well!”  
Yamaguchi opened his mouth just a little bit, but closed it again. 

I felt kind of repelled by my mothers overenthiusiastic greeting, because it didn’t quite fit the situation, since Yamaguchi didn’t talk at all.   
“He doesn’t seem too happy, mom. He didn’t even say hello.”, I murmured.   
“Honey, he can’t talk. I told you.”  
“What?”  
“The lack of oxygen had some impact on his brain function and he now can’t talk anymore. His mom told me yesterday. And I was telling you this morning and in the car a few minutes ago!”, she said so calm and collected that I felt some kind of embarrassment, mixed with guilt and a pinch of anxiety. 

“You can’t talk?”, I asked him dumbfounded. He just nods, looks insecure, passes me a shy smile. He should say ‘I can’t answer you, dumbass!’. But he… you know… he can’t.   
I guess my brain also stopped working for a bit. I just stared at him, tried to let that sink in, tried to imagine myself not being able to articulate anything. Is he as scared as I am? Does he feel as helpless as I do?


End file.
